A mother's guilt

Lately I have been thinking a lot about "mother's guilt".  I am sure I am not the only one who feels guilty about something nearly every day. Think about it, what mother isn't guilty about going back to work, or letting a poopy diaper sit for just "five more minutes", or even thinking "ugh do I REALLY have to get up?" when the baby wakes at 4 in the morning.  And of course there is the biggie: breastfeeding.  Since I learned I was pregnant I have had several reasons I wanted to breastfeed.  First of all, it is free.  Who wants to spend money on formula when you can feed your baby for free?  But most of all, I knew that breast milk was the healthiest food for my baby and as all mothers, I wanted to do the absolute best for my baby.  I read books, articles, blogs, and message boards on breastfeeding; I talked to my friends and family to get their input.  I took it for granted that it would work out for me, even though I knew it wouldn't be easy.

I may have known it wouldn't be easy, but I still wasn't prepared for the challenge.  I started off behind the pack, I didn't even get to hold Alex until he was 4 hours old.  "It's ok" I told myself, and as soon as I got to hold him and he was passed around for all my family to hold him I kicked everyone out of the room so I could breastfeed.  Well it helped that it was 2 am, but that's not the point!  Breastfeeding seemed to go well at first, Alex latched on perfectly.  I continued to breastfeed him every couple hours, and as far as I knew, everything was going fine and normally.  But then on hospital day 3 I found out from the pediatrician that Alex has lost quite a bit of weight.  If he lost much more, we would have to start supplementing him with formula.  Soon after that Alex started to get very upset, he was inconsolable and cried for over an hour.  I tried to breastfeed him but he would just get more upset.  Finally we called the nurse because I didn't know what to do.  She suggested that we give him a little formula, just to ease his hunger.  I didn't like the idea, but I put my feelings aside.  My baby needed to eat right?  I couldn't believe how fast he sucked the formula down.  I broke down and cried.  Why couldn't I feed my baby?  Why couldn't I give him what he needed?  It was a very hard time for me, it didn't help that my hormones were crazy since I had just given birth.  The next day we discovered that he had lost more weight, so he would need formula supplementation after each breastfeeding.  I felt defeated.

Well to make a long story short, breastfeeding never got any easier.  But I kept at it, determined to make it work.  My problem was that my milk never came in.  I don't know if it was the c-section, the fact that I had a small baby, the medications I was taking for my clotting disorder, or just that it was my first baby.  (I have heard from others that they didn't produce enough milk for their first baby, but produced plenty for the next baby)  I tried everything to make it work.  I pumped, I took medications, I took herbal supplements (that my dr told me not to take but hey, I was desperate), I ate oatmeal every day, I drank ovaltine, and I even spent a week drinking 1 Guinness each night. (yuck!)  One of the prescriptions I took, Reglan, seemed to help a little, but you can only take it for 1 month and after that month my milk supply started to dwindle again.   But still I kept at it.  I spent weeks beating myself up over it.  Everyone I talked to said "I would have given up by now" or "Is this worth all the stress?" but I just ignored it.  Even though I was stressed out, didn't want to leave the house or make plans with friends/family, and just generally unhappy, I refused to give up.  Why? 

Ah now we get to it, the almighty Guilt factor.  I felt like if I gave up breastfeeding I was being lazy and not doing my best for Alex.  It took my mother telling me "Kristin you have spent your entire maternity leave being miserable over this.  You should be enjoying yourself!" before I really got it.  Alex was healthy.  I had given breastfeeding my best shot. It just didn't work for us, and Alex would be just fine on formula.  That day I felt such a wonderful rush of relief come over me.  Sure Mr. Guilt talks to me in the back of my mind most days saying "What if you had given it one more week? Maybe it would have worked after that 9th week!" But I have learned to ignore it. It's time to move on!